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The Best Blog On The Internet.

Blogger at work.
Photo Credit: Glenn Carstens

I’ve tried writing articles with enticing titles like “Top 10 Cutest Puppy Pics” and “You won’t believe what [...insert current high profile celebrity] has done now!!!” in a bid to boost my site’s popularity but it never works, so now I’ve decided, screw it, I’ll just write one called “The Best Blog On The Internet”.

Whenever someone types the best blog on the internet into Google, my blog will be top of the list. I’m not stupid, I know this won’t happen instantly. Give it a day or two.

Such shameless click baiting would be beneath me if it wasn’t for the simple fact that my blog actually is the best blog on the internet.

I’m aware that every blogger has the same opinion of their own work. Most won’t actually say as much because that would make them look just like everyone else who wrongly believes theirs is the best blog on the internet but, if shrewd enough, they’ll find a subtler way to imply it.

In my case, such intricacies are unnecessary. I can plainly state that mine is the best blog on the internet and the proof is that nobody reads it. It’s The Velvet Underground philosophy.

Anyone will tell you that The Velvet Underground were one of the most influential bands of their time. But no one has ever listened to them. Have you heard of The Velvet Underground? Have you listened to The Velvet Underground? Is further proof required? I didn’t think so.

Naturally, I don’t care if anyone reads my stuff or not. I mean... you know... whatever... take it or leave it... makes no difference to me... but sometimes I feel a bit sorry for a world that’s missing out on such quality content. That is until I’m cheered by the knowledge, the concrete certainty, that my blog is destined to become a cultural benchmark.

Literary critics will gush. In-depth analysis pieces will be written. Revered experts will debate hidden meanings. School children will study it, perhaps without a full understanding but they’ll appreciate its genius later in life when their own kids start reading it.

All this is to come. For now it’s our secret and that’s why I can say, with no irony whatsoever, that my blog is the best blog on the internet* because nobody’s going to roll their eyes and think, Really? Yours as well?, because, right now, nobody reads it.

But one day everyone will claim that they did.

* In case I haven’t included the phrase ‘the best blog on the internet’ enough times to ensure a top SEO ranking, I’ve included it once more in this postscript.

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